My biggest issue with men is that I am scared of them. I am scared of being beat, I'm scared of being raped, I'm scared of the emotional abuse, I'm scared of being treated like I'm less of a human. I'm scared of men because I am a woman.
For the most part of my life, I didn't like men. I hated the way they looked, how they felt, the way they acted. I just wasn't a fan of the brother species. There were a few good men in my life though but they weren't enough to change how I felt.
I wasn't a popular child in school. I hated boys because they made me feel like I was a Sasquatch. All the boys, from grade one to 12 made fun of me. My looks, my personality, my smarts. I was the fat, ugly, smart girl who no one liked.
In my adult life, I discovered the hard way that the majority of the men who approach me do so because they think I'm easy. I'm what they call "back-up pussy", "last resort missions", the "only if I have to" girl. Some of the men approach me because I'm friends with some cool people and the only way they can get into the circle is through the weakest link. I've only had one serious relationship with a man and to this day, I sometimes doubt his intentions with me.
My father died when I was five so I've had no primary male figure. I don't know if saying i have "daddy issues" is appropriate because I've had a number of uncles and friend's dads step in and play dad when they have to. My mother did what she could when she could but we all know it's not enough to fill the void only a father can. I appreciate her efforts though.
I was six years old when my friend's touched me inappropriately. I was seven when an old white man wanted to kidnap and rape me. I was 11 when our helper's boyfriend watched porn while I slept on the sofa. I was 14 when I found out that the man who molested my sister lives next door to us. I was 16 when I heard that my cousin was raped when she was younger. I was 19 when I found out that my mother's uncle raped her. Because of this, I've become super uncomfortable around men. Especially when there's alcohol involved. The thought of being hurt is so scary, it borders on paranoia.
We live in an age where treating the sister species like rubbish is the norm. These boys and their silly misogynistic ideals are the root cause of many a sister's confidence issues. We live in a time where our girl children are hurt by their own fathers, where our brothers think they own our bodies and take them without our permission, where our fathers are missing. We live in an age where our brothers beat on us because they cannot beat themselves, where they break us to build us, where they sleep around and make us sick. This is the man of today
That being said, I know that there are good men out there. The type of men I want to raise my son to be. I know that not all the apples are bad, it's just that I've had so many bad apples in my life that I'm thinking of moving to oranges. I've had oranges before and I liked who I was then. I recently let an apple into my life and the majority of the experience has had me in tears. I'm not saying all of them were sad, I'm just saying that oranges never had me feeling like this.
Maybe I'm to blame for most of this. Maybe my distrust towards them is a reflection of me and the problems I have with myself. And if you say "Like attracts like", then have I deliberately attracted the humiliation, bullies, sexual predators and disrespect into my life? If so, what would you suggest I do to change that?
