How many times have I sung the same song? The same story? I bet they're tired of my tune. Oh gosh, I've been talking about going back to school for so many years. Every year I say "Yaz, I wanna get my education on" but the procrastinating fear-filled devil in me would always find some reason not to go. I got a job, couldn't find my matric certificate, I lost my ID. There was always something.
This year I wanted to stop talking and start walking the walk and so I did everything in a rush. Found a school I wasn't interested in, didn't do proper research on funding, didn't plan properly. I was just had to make them see that I CAN do this. That I wasn't all talk. That I wasn't just saying things to make them feel better. I wanted to finally make them proud of me. I had to.
On the day I found a school, I called my dad. Asked him for application money and he sent it. I was so excited, I told all my friends. This was finally my moment. I was finally going to do it but I couldn't help the icky feeling inside of me when I thought of going through with it. Something inside me wasn't right with it. This wasn't the school for me and paying for it would be really hard. I felt like I was making a mistake.
I spoke to some of my friends about it and they made me see light. They made me realise that all this pressure I thought I felt was just me and my fear. The more I think my time's run out, the more life makes me realise that my time is mine and I don't have to rush. And so I decided not to apply. I decided I'd wait for another option to present itself. A proper one.
I hated myself for wasting so many years of my life dreaming instead of building my life. I was so upset with myself for not planning my life, for losing direction, for not doing what's right for my future. I'm learning to forgive myself (I am young after all) and I'm also learning how to plan properly and do things the right way
I doubt anyone will believe me. I am, after all, the girl who cries wolf. I've not yet spoken to my father, in fears I'll disappoint him but I've decided I'll see him and explain myself. I pray he can see that I've changed my train of thought (I'm using a better railway line now) and is the understanding man I know him to be.
Applications for the 2016 academic year open in March this year. I will apply and next year I will study. This time I'm NOT crying wolf. This time I mean it and I've got people who will help me stick to my plan. I'm not a failure in life, not anymore. I'm a person with a plan and I will see it through. I'm going to make myself proud by being the awesome teacher I know I can be. I know it!
