"Time heals all wounds". Poor Time. Constantly having to heal wounds he had nothing to do with. What a tough job that must be. You lose your dad; Time heals the wound, your boyfriend dumps you; time heals the wound, you fail your exam, time heals the wound. Who heals Time's wounds? I'd really like to know so that I can go to the direct source for some healing. No offence but I think it's time I gave Time a break. I've been patiently waiting for this hurt to end so that I can move on but fuckall. Does Time have partners? Can someone else deal with my wound because Time simply isn't cutting it. Not meeting my standards as a customer. I mean, Time is providing me a service that I'm not benefiting from. Sorry Time but maybe someone else needs to heal all our wounds. You've been in the industry too long now.
Talking about healing wounds, I picked a scab on my leg today. I regret doing that. It hurts like shit now and the wound is bleeding (And no, Time is not allowed to tend to that wound. I'm seeking assistance elsewhere). The scab was itchy, I scratched then I proceeded to pick and prod til it came off. Love songs and I have something in common. We pick at things that should be left alone. I don't know why I couldn't listen to angry alternative music or something. No, I had to show myself shit in life and listen to the most heart-wrenching, tear-jerking love songs. Fuck my life! Usher's "Climax" just sent me over the edge. ♪You say it's better if we love each other separately. I just need you one more time. I can't keep what we had off my mind♫. Yesses. I think after I heard that part of the song, the scabs on my heart came off and the feelings came rushing back, the hurt doubled and I was sommer depressed. Like lank depressed. I still hate myself for putting myself in this situation. I was doing so well. It's like he was singing on my behalf. Like he could feel my pain, my longing.
I'll admit. I'm all kinds of fucked up. I have never been this unhappy before. I'm forever crying. I swear I owe my tearducts a lot of overtime pay. It's bad. Waking up in the middle of the night just to cry, crying in the taxi on my way home, crying while watching tv. I just cry. It's so disgusting. And it's not like I sob softly like Brooke from The Bold and the Beautiful (she's mastered the one tear sob), no I wail like I'm starring in a Nollywood movie. I wail like those over the top funeral guests. You know them. The ones who cry louder than the people in mourning. The ones who even throw themselves on the ground and roll around in the dust. Ja, I wail like that, minus the rolling. It's bad.
Time needs to explain why this break up hurts so bad. And if I'm not happy with the response, I'm going to complain on Hello Peter. I've tried asking other people but their answers are horrible. "It hurts coz you love him". I could've told them that. I want a proper explanation. I mean, there must be a scientific reason why this specific break up hurts more than the others. I need numbers and formulae to help me understand why I'm in this emotional rut. Someone wake up Einstein. I can tell you right now that the answer isn't inside the bottle. The empty bottles next to my bed are proof. And believe me when I tell you I searched long and hard. So the next best option: Science. If they can tell us how old Earth is, they can definitely tell me what I want to know.
"You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.". Trust me to take the red pill and regret it the next day when I'm knee-deep in Wonderland shit. I should've taken the blue pill. I shouldn't have entered that relationship. Should've stuck to what I know. Instead, me and my thing-liking ways, I took the damn red pill and look where I am now. I hate everything. I hate people. I hate relationships. I hate love. You ask yourself "how can she hate love?" Well I do. I abhor love and I abhor him. I'm in a deep dark hole filled with hatred for all things related to love and relationships. One man ruined it for me and everyone else. Wonderland is a dream sold to the most gullible of fools. I fell for the trap. I was used and then tossed like last week's garbage. Not even a goodbye. I was just cut off. I've never felt so ugly and useless before. I should've taken the blue pill. A year of being treated like shit! I shoud've taken that blue pill but I didn't and now I'm never going to be the same.
If I heal from this, I doubt I'll ever go back to being the Vee I was in 2012. She was in an amazing space. I'm a shell of myself. I feel like Amy Winehouse (minus the drugs and weightloss). She was so awesome then she hit rock bottom and died. I hope I don't die though. As hurt and angry as I am, I'm not ready to die. Well, I don't think I am. I wish I could bring her back, just to let her know that she isn't alone and that I'm hurting with her but alas, she's gone and I'm all alone. 2012 Vee will never know how much I miss her. Fuck!
"For you I was a flame. Love is a losing game. Five storey fire as you came. Love is a losing game. One I wish I never played. Oh what a mess we made. And now the final frame. LOVE IS A LOSING GAME"
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